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2016-10-12 - 10:14 p.m.


Hey! You've made lots of things and even the biggest failures are thought of fondly. Why is that?

Because I had fun with them with other people, because I learnt things and improved.

When did you do that? When did you learn and improve?

Ha, long afterward. Mercifully, I hadn't fully realized my failures at the time. I was enjoying myself when they happened. It was later that I fully realized how they had failed. Later, as I was improving on what I had done.

And why did you want to improve?

Well, because I hadn't seen it as a failure. I'd seen what I had done as something good, something to be improved upon. Though, it's not that I hadn't seen the faults. I had experienced them as they happened. But there was joy in flailing about, enjoying what was being made with others.

Maybe this will be like that.

Yeah. I hope so. It's sad to experience the failure so immediately. This is one of the reasons why I temper my effort so drastically: I am afraid of failure, of the chastisement of others, the crashing down of a wonderful idea as you realize its most important supports are still only in your mind.

What would it take to create something that didn't crash the first time?

I have no idea. Maybe that's not how things work. Perhaps singular projects are meant to be continued, processed, changed, and modified as part of one larger body of work. If one considers a project more as part of a process, a continuing body of work that builds off the success and failures of previous works, than failure is maybe easier to deal with. It's built into the system.

Is that it?

I don't know.

But failure is hard, isn't it?

Yeah, it's really hard. But it's proportionate to effort. So the tricky thing is not taking that and convincing oneself to just quit. To stop trying in defense of one's own effort turning against oneself, in defense of failure.

"In defense of failure," is a good title for something.

Ha, yeah. Although I feel like the first thing someone would do is try and tear it apart. Argue against whatever was inside it, demonstrate that there is no defense of failure.

That seems futile. Everyone fails.

"Everyone fails." That's not quite a defense, but it's enough for now.

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