2009-08-31 - 4:45 p.m.
#Autumn is coming and I feel like being alone. :
I am always late. One day promised and two days delivered. About 2 months after Chris' last birthday I got the idea to have Chris' next birthday be set in a medieval tavern built a top the deck of our house. The tavern had to be built the day of to keep it a surprise but my costume, the planning, and everyone else's contributions came together over a couple months before hand. I started working on a 7'4" ogre costume over a month ago.
By the end of it all I was pretty tired of rearranging my sleep and prioritizing my time to accomplish something no one but me asked for, but it is often the illusion of outside motivation that gets me to do excellent things.
Problem solving how to make something awesome out of very little is mentally exciting but I'm glad that project is over. I feel exhausted from it and am eagerly awaiting school, along with its promise of a set schedule, to come back into my life and give me something to organize myself around. I need an excuse to be on campus so that I will get up in the mornings and accomplish something. Even this afternoon, trying to clean my house up and read, I managed to do both for about two hours.
I've got over-arching problems that stage themselves in this very same arena of motivational lack that I am not dealing with and not prepared to write about in here. I had been looking forward to Kate's visit as an opportunity to purge my brain of all these half formed thoughts and concerns but we never got in touch and so my thoughts remain, eroding my confidence in what I am doing. This reminds me that I want to finish reading Sartre's being and nothingness as it deals with the problem that arises when one realizes one has no reason to do anything except for the reasons one makes up. It can be equally terrifying and exciting when I ask myself "why?"
Too emo.